Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
