A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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