Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Someone signed my nipple.
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