You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She's the barista slut.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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