the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
