I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize