I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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