I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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