why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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