this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
