Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
