Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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