apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
