theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
