I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
