life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize