maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
