My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
