shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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