i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
