I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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