he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
