I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
