thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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