remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
