Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
