you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
