Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
