moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
