Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
