Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
