9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize