dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
