I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
