I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
