You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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