Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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