You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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