So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
