I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
