I wish you could order shots online.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
