True but thats because hes a fetus.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
