i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize