I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need to sanitize my soul.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
