I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Tornado booty call.. dedication
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
