i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
