she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
