Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
