So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
