You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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