There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
