I got chris browned last night
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
