I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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