Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
BRING THE BAGELS
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
