I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
