We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
