Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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