I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
