there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
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You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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