I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
