he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
