i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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