Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
