This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
