It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
