Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
