Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
