we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
