She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
