I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
